WHAT

So, I used to be that one person who never cried during movies. Ever. I took a lot of pride in it too; my cousins were bawling while I laughed my way through Dear John. I guess I just thought everything was so melodramatic, and I hadn't had any experiences deep enough to connect to feelsy movies like that.

And then everything changed when the Tumblr gifsets attacked.

If there is one thing I never expected to have, it would be Lord of the Rings feels. But dear lord, do I have a lot of them.

I read The Hobbit a few years back, and I'm going to be honest here, it took me forever to get through and by the time I was done with it I needed a break from Middle Earth. I just could not adjust to the writing style, and I guess the trolls and orcs and hobbits and elves and all of their various realms didn't grab my attention like Hogwarts or Narnia did. So I never really got around to reading the rest of the series, despite my friends telling me how legendary and gripping the tale would be.

But recently, the new Hobbit movie came out, so I went to see it with some friends, just as something to do. And it was incredible.

The Shire (and Rivendell and every other bit of scenery in the film) was absolutely gorgeous, and Martin Freeman (already a favorite of mine) was the perfect Bilbo. Not to mention the attractiveness of Kili and Thorin, and the hilarity of the dwarves and Gandalf. The Hobbit completely changed my mind.

So I borrowed the movies from various friends and over the past week I have managed to watch all 3 of them. Until tonight though, I had considered LotR to be a "feels-free" type of series. I mean, who gets emotional when a bunch of orcs are constantly attacking?

Me, apparently. As soon as Sam started telling Frodo about how beautiful the Shire used to be, and then decided to be completely incredible and carry his helpless friend up the side of FREAKING MOUNT DOOM, I lost it. Everyone needs a friend like Sam. He was literally the most genuine and caring friend I have ever seen. And then Gollum happened, and then I got really afraid for Aragorn and Frodo, and then Gandalf shed a tear and I knew I was past the point of no return.

And then they finally accomplished what they spent around 12 hours of film trying to do, and then it seemed so completely unfair that they would never go home to see their Shire safe and sound, and then BOOM GANDALF and then a scene that mirrored Harry Potter so much I was in shock for a moment, and then Aragorn got crowned and then everybody bowed and the music just aaaaah I could not. And then BOOM WEDDING and you expect a happily ever after but then NOPE

but I guess it's really a happy ending anyway. Just not what I expected. But man, I never thought I'd cry over short men with hairy feet.

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But what I really love about the end is when the four hobbits ride proudly back into the Shire, knowing that they just saved everyone there along with the rest of Middle Earth, and the people there just roll their eyes and carry on like they are nothing special. Like they are just a bunch of kids wandering off for an afternoon of rebellion. I just love it.

Some Ponderings on The Road

So first I think I should make it clear that I haven't finished The Road yet, but I am getting very close, and also very frustrated. I just want to know what happened to the world, and what caused it, and just....why. I guess it could be some sort of nuclear war or natural disaster (I don't know), but the fact that they haven't seen the sun in years is throwing me off. Honestly, all I can think about is one of the theories about why the dinosaurs went extinct (when a meteor hit and kicked up so much dust the sun was covered and it was freezing cold and plants died and the planet plunged into an ice age, you know.) It would just be so much more interesting to read if I knew whether McCarthy was making a statement about the danger of humans and carelessness to ourselves and everything on this planet or not.

Another question would be: why don't the man and the boy have names? I realized that it was odd early on in the book, but it really stood out to me when they met the old man on the road and he introduced himself as Ely (even though he was lying anyway). He never asked for their names at all, as if it didn't even matter. Are they intentionally anonymous, just for the purpose of symbolism? To mean that at times like that, when your only goal is survival, your identity doesn't matter anymore? It just seems rather ironic, because the relationship between the man and the boy is obvious (father and son) and their personalities shine through anyway. They care for each other more than anything else in the world. They are both selfless toward each other, and the man even puts the boys life (or rather, his lack of suffering before death) before his own. Their personalities still show despite their namelessness, like when the boy runs down the road or goes for a swim or laughs when the cart flies down the hill. The man dreams of the life he had and the dangers of the present day, and his role as a father is the main influence over his actions. The boy is brave, patient, selfless, and loyal, and the father is protective, innovative, logical, and desperate. They may be nameless, but they are far from generic. In contrast, almost all of the people they meet on the road are generic, and often go undescribed, other than being identified as men or women.

Anyway, moving on. The lack of punctuation (including apostrophes and quotation marks) is.....well, it's interesting. I watched an interview that McCarthy did with Oprah where he explained why he wrote that way (simply for the purpose of making his literature simple and straightforward), which I understand. But there have been times when I have had to go back and reread dialogue sections because I lose track of who is talking. The man and the boy speak so similarly, because the boy is so mature. It would be interesting to know how old the boy actually is, since he doesn't often act like a child but his father still treats him like one.

Additionally, the coast. What would motivate the man to travel to the coast? I was under the impression he was hoping for warmer weather there and a better chance of survival, but they have just arrived there and from what I have read the climate seems to be the same, if not drearier. The boy was clearly hoping for some salvation or rescue and was disappointed when there was none, and I guess that may be why he was crying when he came back from swimming. He realized what he had hoped for all that time didn't exist, and the only difference now was that there was nowhere else to go. Unfortunately many other people seem to have ad the same notion as the man did, because more and more often the man and the boy encounter "the bad guys" on the road as they approach the coast (of the Gulf of Mexico?)

The boy refers to himself and his father as "the good guys" because they "carry the fire." I just don't understand what he means by that, because he has seen that even the "bad guys" carry fire, and he made this statement about himself even after his father had dropped the lighter in the horrific cellar and they had no way to light a fire at all. I just....I don't understand. Just putting it out there as a thought.

I've given up on interesting segues at this point. How is the boy so smart? He talked about Mars and he knows how to read the map (although that isn't quite as shocking) and he can read. He even talks about God sometimes. How could a young(?) boy in the middle of an apocalyptic catastrophe have time to learn how to read and develop religious beliefs? Wouldn't such a terrible situation take those beliefs away? In so many Holocaust documentaries, Jewish survivors speak about their faith being taken from them, because they didn't believe that their God would allow them to be in such a situation. How then, can this boy, who was born into chaos, believe in something as wonderful as Heaven, when one of the best experiences of his life was drinking a Coca-Cola on the floor of an abandoned supermarket?

Lastly, who is the woman in the man's dreams? Is it his wife who took her life? Or is it some siren, luring him to death? I mean, there probably is no real answer, but it is interesting to think about nonetheless.

Anyway, there are just some of my musings on the road. Obviously this book has a theme about savagery becoming instinctive once the restrictions of society disappear and desperation takes over, similar to the theme in Lord of the Flies. However, instead of a small group of children being isolated from society on a small island, there are adults left to wander in a dying world.

Driving in Silence

It's scary.

You can hear all the weird noises your car makes, and you constantly think "What was that? Oh god I'm about to break down in the middle of the suburban countryside oh god."

You can hear all the leaves in the road skittering around and rustling when you go around curves, and everything just feels so fast, especially in the dark.

When you're sitting at stoplights, if there's anybody else around, you can sometimes hear their music, and it's just so weird because you feel like you're invading their privacy, even though you're doing the same thing you've always done and sitting innocently in your car in adjacent lanes. But then you start thinking (I was at the longest light ever ok) and you feel like they're listening to you too, even though you are sitting there in petrified silence. So then you wonder, what are they hearing (besides their loud music)? What are they thinking about?

And it's scary.

When you have the radio on, there's always some song you've sung along to with your friends or presidential ads you've analyzed in government class. There's commercials for concerts to go to, sales to take advantage of, charity events to contribute to. There's talk shows by the hosts that seem so familiar, even though if you think about it (which I didn't, until just tonight) you don't know them at all. You probably don't even know what they look like.

But once that radio is turned off, all of those connections are gone, and it's just you and your car and whatever is on your mind. When else do you get a chance to be completely alone like that? 

Your thoughts are so vivid and powerful when you drive in complete silence, in the dark, in an unfamiliar patch of woods in late fall. You realize the things that are most important to you, because you think of them first and dwell on them the longest; not because someone else bought them up or reminded you, but because you thought about them yourself.

Maybe knowing yourself is the scariest part.

Observations at 2 am

I cannot sleep for the life of me so I thought I'd jot down my wacked out, sleep-deprived thoughts for your amusement.

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I think it's cool when my heart beats at the same tempo as my wall clock. That means my pulse is 60 bpm.

Have you ever noticed that we see in black and white once light levels get below a certain point?

It's really dark outside I think it might be the new moon but I'm too lazy to check.

My computer makes noises like R2D2.

Things get louder when you want them to get quieter, but also when you listen harder for them. What if that's the same thing?!

Forever is a relative term. So is never. Like I said I'd never get a Facebook. Or never get my ears pierced. Or never fall in love again. Or that I'd love someone forever. Or when you see your friends and they're all like "I haven't seen you in forever!"

If you stare at a word long enough it stops looking like a word.

Why do people spend so much money on Netflix and all that stuff when prettymuch any movie or tv show you could ever want to watch is available somewhere for free on the internet?

People on the internet either treat each other like dirt or worship them like celebrities.

In real life, most fun things are considered lame. But on the internet, if you don't do those things you are an outcast.

Tumblr is literally like a big pile of shiny things, stolen items, family secrets, and long-lost relatives just waiting to be sorted through.

We waste so much time doing things that just don't freakin' matter.

There's just something intimate about sending a video to someone or talking on skype, even if you're just like, eating a sandwich.

I want a sandwich.

It's 2 am I can't eat a sandwich.

Doesn't eating late at night cause weight gain?

I could just Google it but I'm too lazy.

People go to ridiculous lengths just to get attention.

Why does intelligence come with the impulse to lie?

Why do we always fall for our best friends?'

Why do we do things that hurt us, even when we know we are being unnecessarily stupid?

Why am I blogging again?

RE: I Love Ladies!

Thank you again, Kristina, for shedding more light on issues faced by female Youtubers, Bloggers, authors, and actresses. I never knew J.K. Rowling's reasons behind only using her initials on her publications, and your sentence "sometimes the people who have the most important opinions are the ones who get silenced" really spoke to me. I have a blog because I don't want to be silent, and although I don't usually focus on heavy topics and global issues, this one caught my attention. I hope people don't see the name "Amber Dawn" on the top of this blog and automatically decide that my writing will be too "flimsy" or "emotional" and decide to go read something else instead, just because I'm a girl. And now, I present my answers to Rosianna's Annual Ladies Survey!

1. Who are your favorite female YouTubers?

 I've been browsing Youtube regularly since about 2008, although I am not a content creator myself. The first of course is Kristina Horner, who coincidentally was the first female Youtuber I really got attached to, thanks to a recommendation from the Vlogbrothers.Also on the list is Lee Newton, who is one of the main hosts for the daily news show SourceFed. I'm a fan of Jenna Marbles, Meekakitty, and last but not least my real-life friend Nicole-Anne.

2. Who are your favourite female athletes?

I'm gonna have to do the same as Kristina here and plead ignorance. UNLESS of course, Katniss Everdeen counts as an athlete. Archery is a sport....

3. What is your favourite book written by a female with a female protagonist?

Any of the Harry Potter books written by J.K. Rowling. I consider Hermione to be a protagonist. Ginny and Luna are pretty awesome as well :)

4. What is your favourite film written by a female with a female protagonist?

Errrrrhmmmmgrumblestumble NEXT QUESTION PLEASE

5. Who is your favourite female fictional character?

Maybe I'm biased because I just watched the newest episode of this, but Aria from Pretty Little Liars.

6. What is the biggest problem facing female creators today (and any solutions)? 

I think that the biggest problem facing female creators today is a lack of proper reception or actual constructive criticism from men and teenage boys. As I already said I am a big fan of Sourcefed, and I've noticed a difference in the behavior or viewers in the comment section whenever Lee Newton or Trisha Hershberger host as opposed to when the hosts are both guys. When the show is hosted by just guys, the comments mostly focus on the news that was actually delivered. However, when you add a girl into the equation, there are suddenly tons of comments about their appearance, or things such as "we want more so-and-so!" I don't really know of a solution since this is really a problem that can only be resolved by the individuals who post those comments, unfortunately.

7. Do you think youtube and online video in general are better or worse suited than television for tackling the problems and prejudices women face in the workplace?

Online video is definitely better! These videos are accessible for free online to anyone around the world with the ability to use the internet. They can be shared through social media sites and email, and they tend to be short enough to keep the attention of an audience, unlike a news report or tv show would be.

8. What do you pledge to do to make the internet a better environment for all creators?

I pledge to avoid criticizing anyone or their creations based on their gender, race, sexuality, political views, age, or appearance. It's okay to disagree with someone, but to disagree for a completely unrelated reason doesn't make any sense at all.

9. Tell us a story/secret whatever featuring women!

When she was just a girl, she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach, so she ran away in her sleep.

10. TAG PEOPLE!

Uhm, this is a blog. So I'm not going to do that. Feel free to do the survey on your own though! Have fun!

Basement Blog: I Miss Percussion Camp

I never thought I'd say such a thing, but I do. I joined band in 6th grade after being pressured by my dad, who was also a percussionist in high school, and I was instantly motivated to someday outdo him. I auditioned for All-District Band but never made it, once because my band director actually gave me the previous year's audition music (how does that even HAPPEN?!) and the other times because I was so nervous I went to tears before I so much as played a scale. Nevertheless, almost all of my friends were in band, and I did have fun at BandFest and trips to amusement parks and All-County band, so I decided to stick with it. I participated in marching band my freshman year of high school, and it was a whole different world.

For the first time in my music career I was constantly challenged, and I was surrounded by people who were passionate about band and wanted to compete with me. I was only in the pit, which was a huge disappointment to both my dad and me. Looking back, I realize that the pit is vital to the band as well, but at that point I thought that only the drumline mattered. That was the only part of the band people really talked about, after all. It didn't matter to me that I was competing against 6 seniors, 1 junior, and 1 sophomore to earn a spot on the 10-person line, I did nothing but beat myself up for "failing" the entire season.

Now as everyone who participates in marching band knows, it takes up a ton of time. An entire month (if not more) of summer for band camp, 2 or 3 after-school rehearsals per week, football games every Friday, and competitions almost every Saturday. Plus individual practice time, which I do a lot of. Marching band took a toll on my grades, my opportunities to go to karate (at the time I was still training to test for my Black Belt) and my friendships with my non-marching band friends. Granted, there weren't many of them, but it was rough.

I never got bored with our show, Fiddler on the Roof, but I was never really as into it as some of my other friends were, either because I'd never seen the musical or because I never felt like a part of the band. I was never as outgoing and open as everyone else, and I was afraid of our unreliable and unfocused percussion instructor. Being in the pit also alienated me from the band, because we had to leave the rest of the group during competitions to move equipment. Everyone else is always said "oh whatever they don't have to march they don't work as hard" and the drum majors would sneer down at us from their podiums and tease us, which at the time I didn't take as a joke. I already thought I'd failed, and then I thought my own drum majors and pit captain thought I was a horrible player.

On top of all that, our spring trip to Disney World and Universal Studios bought out the worst in people. There was vandalism, catfights, drama, sneaking out of the hotel, harassment, creepy weirdness, and general homesickness. I came home and avoided the band room at all costs for weeks. I was afraid of the people who I thought were my friends. Despite that, I was more afraid of disappointing my dad again, so I auditioned for drumline even though I hated everything about marching band.

Results came out, and I was assigned to baby bass. I literally got yelled at, and I felt like a failure. Everyone in the percussion section congratulated me and told me it was a good thing, because they "needed someone who could actually count" on the bassline. But I was too disappointed, and I was still afraid. It just wasn't worth it to me, and most of the people who I actually liked in band were graduating. I called up to the school in the middle of July and told my band director I quit. Naturally I received a lot of flak for it, but eventually people accepted that it was my choice and left me alone. I was still in the Wind Ensemble after all, and enjoying quite a bit of success.

Every year around April people would come to me and try to convince me to audition one more time. This year, after making so many new friends in band and having a wonderful time on spring trip to Philadelphia, I was seriously considering it. It will be my senior year, and I figured this was my last chance to make my dad proud. When it was announced that we would be marching a Billy Joel Show, my mind was made up. I auditioned and got my wish: snare.

I got really motivated, really fast. One of my best friends took me to see the 2012 Drum Corps International preview show in theaters, and I was instantly addicted. Can you believe that I'd never seen drum corps before? It blew my mind. I went home and looked up videos of the bands on Youtube almost all night, picked a favorite (Phantom Regiment, mainly because their center snare is a girl), and thought to myself, "I want to learn how to do that." I practiced all the time, trying to speed up my rudiments and clean up my rolls.

At first I had a hard time; I've never liked playing any sort of snare drum because for some reason my left hand it really wimpy and weak. I showed up to percussion camp in the first few weeks of summer after being all pumped about learning hybrid rudiments and such, and man did I get my butt kicked. I went home every day upset and mad at myself with sore hands and arms, and I'd stand right here in this basement where I am blogging and practice for more hours, trying to make my feet mark time and make my hands play so I wouldn't embarrass myself again. I was having a hard time with some family problems and a breakup, and I just felt like I'd never win. I finished the week fully aware of the weak player I was, but having learned loads. I hated the camp, and I was so glad to have a week to spend away from percussion at the river.

Now I'm back home, and I could kick myself. Why did I hate it? It was an excellent distraction, and an excellent opportunity. I didn't realize until now how much I really took away from that week. I miss it so much, I have nothing to do but stand in this basement with my laptop and drumpad, alternating between playing, blogging, and tumblring. I miss the soreness in my arms and hands, and the bright orange earplugs protecting my ability to hear. I miss being amazed by our new drum instructor, who can triplet-roll like there's no tomorrow. I miss making up stupid nicknames for each other and trying to learn how to march after lunch and wearing sunglasses even though we were inside. I miss being kicked out of various hallways and classrooms because the floors were being waxed and ending up drumming on a table on our stage until the paint started popping off (which kinda stinks cuz it's the theater's table so I'll be the one to repaint it in the fall). I miss hauling equipment around and being soooooo thankful that I'm not in the pit again. I miss listening to Waddyissoawkward and Finn13 talk about Adventure Time and Avatar the Last Airbender and The Legend of Korra all the time, even though I'm nowhere near as obsessed as they are haha. And most of all I miss learning stuff and having a hard time and conquering the music and occasionally getting an approving glance or a compliment. I missed the sectional last week, and I'm so disappointed. I just want somebody to drum with. I can't wait to go back. <3

I Miss School.

So I'm gonna be honest here and just go ahead and say it: I hate summer. School is my life; it where all my friends are (I don't party so I don't see many of my friends outside of school), it's where the drum closet is, it's where I actually accomplish things, it's where I can sit on the stage and feel at home. Here, in my actual home, I feel caged. I have things that I could do, but the motivation to do them is so small I never do. I sit on Memebase and Youtube and get bored, and I'm surrounded by painful reminders of things that I don't want to deal with. I have nowhere to go, nobody to be with, and nothing to do to distract myself.

I miss AP English every morning, watching Carl Azuz on CNN Student news and writing 2 or 3 essays a week. I miss sitting in the drum closet during Wind Ensemble and looking at our Periodic Table of Percussion and drawing unicorns on the wall with a tube of lip gloss we found. I miss French I, being admired by my teacher (who was actually french!) for being so good at French after taking four years of Spanish (the two languages are very similar). I miss Precalc, and being the one person in the class who could actually follow what our teacher was explaining. I miss AP Physics, when I was constantly confused and amazed by the world we live in and the shenanigans our totally awesome teacher told us about. I miss AP Environmental Science, when I rarely did anything in class and was allowed to go sit in Jazz Band and play instead. I miss history, where my teacher was more of a conspiracy theorist than a historian and we did dozens of projects involving drawing, which is not my best strength.

I miss school lunches (even though I packed almost every day) when I was surrounded by band or theater drama, excitement over Pixar, sudden bursts of Man of la Mancha or RENT songs, and the smell of Chick-Fil-A on Wednesdays. I miss the walk to the bus that I will never do again, in the misty gloom of the morning and in the awkward tired shuffling of the afternoon. I even miss riding the bus, continuously turning up my iPod's volume to drown out the lousy 7th Graders' yelling.

I miss walking to class with friends. I miss hauling around percussion equipment for concert after concert after concert. I miss the late nights finishing reports and skimming textbooks because I was too busy watching Pretty Little Liars of Mythbusters or Sourcefed to do it earlier. I miss staying after school for weeks at a time until ten o'clock at night for theater rehearsals and performances, and even later on closing night for strike and cast parties. I miss the inside jokes, I miss the traffic in the hallways, I miss the struggles and success. I just want my life back, summer. Is that so much to ask?